A New World

I feel that I have become a different person. My social circle also changes. Is this a new version of me? Or is this just the real me that has been hiding for a long time? Perhaps it’s because I was lost and now I just find myself again.
Well, it is actually hard to identify what’s really going on with me. It’s hard to recognize what I really feel and want. It’s not easy to be mindful of ourselves. When I’m not capable of processing this, all I can do is just crying and mourning. I don’t know how many tears I’ve been shed this year.

Fortunately, there’s something that makes me feel better. It’s like a blessing in disguise that amid the pandemic, I have the opportunity to explore a new thing. I decided to stay with my parents in the village instead of renting a flat. It’s always nice to go back to this place again. My parents do not only provide me shelter, but they also give me a “home”.

My family is currently running a startup on agribusiness. Previously, we just sell our hydroponic vegetables to a supplier, supermarket, restaurant, or in the worst case, to middlemen if there’s no order from our buyer. However, now we try to sell our fresh produces directly to consumers around Jakarta. During the pandemic, the demand for online vegetables is increased, so that I need to help my parents to organize their business.

I help them mostly in sorting management and finance. I work until in the middle of the night to sort and pack the vegetables that will be distributed to our consumers. Sometimes, I also help my parents on the farm (just to take a picture for marketing). However, I also learn how to grow food and cook them by myself. This is such a very spiritually fulfilling experience. There’s a sense of contentment whenever I eat food made by myself.

This inspires me to explore further the agricultural world. I tried to read some books on agriculture and food. I feel that I have become more aware of the sustainability of our earth. I also aspire to create betterment in my village by empowering the farmers, educating the children, and preserving our environment. Moreover, I’m also currently working in an NGO that focuses on promoting environmental sustainability. Hence, my life right now is almost all about activism for the environment. However, I don’t know whether this thing that I’m doing actually matters or not.

I don’t have a formal background in environmental and agricultural science before. I wasn’t really passionate about this issue too. But when I look back to the past, I used to be so passionate about agriculture issues. I wanted to take an agribusiness study, but I cannot do that because I’m from a social science class. I also used to write a proposal about community supported agriculture when I was in high school. And I also used to sell healthy food to my friends when I was in high school.

So, this is not something new for me. I just back to be myself again. However, I still don’t know whether it is really me, or I’m just being pretentious with myself or I’m just trying to be my father because he is my first role model. Is this really my path? Is this really me?