Accepting My Vulnerability
I don’t know whether it is the pandemic that makes everything harder or it is just me feeling so depressed. 2020 has become a catastrophe and a lot of people curse that. We started this year with flooding in Jakarta and then it is followed by other devastating news like racism and of course the coronavirus. The pandemic has changed many things and it’s so depressing for me.
However, before the outbreak comes, I already knew that 2020 would be a tough year for me. Being ghosted by someone that you care about and dealing with failures, rejection, and abandonment are painful. I thought that it would be easy for me to recover. I have a good support system and I believed that I can go through this easily. I thought that this sadness would be a turning point for me to be a better person. I thought that this energy would be fuel for success. Turns out, it’s not as easy as I used to think.
I spent most of my time crying and sometimes hurting myself too. What makes me feel so bad is because my life is so much better from the outside yet I feel so empty inside. I always strive to create betterment for my environment. I spent the beginning of this year by doing some volunteering activities. It makes me feel better for a while, but when it’s over, I get back to the empty feeling.
When the outbreak happens and all activities should be done at home, I become more hopeless. Usually, volunteering or traveling to some new places makes me feel better for a while, but now, traveling activities and other mobilization should be minimized. There’s no student exchange or conference anymore. I know there are many webinars, but the vibes are different when we directly come to an event and socialize with other people (even though I’m not really into socializing, but I need to admit it that I’m happy to meet new people). I just couldn’t imagine how could I spend most of my time in my home and … crying and hurting myself?
“To despair is to turn your back on God” — Anne of Green Gables
There’s only one thing that keeps me sane during this difficult time. I’m trying to redefine my sense of religiosity. Being raised in a religious family has taught me to put the religious values above all things. I used to be religious too. When I was still a teenager, I often joined some religious events. However, everything has changed when I started entering colleges because I didn’t live with my parents anymore. There are so many things that I explore and it makes me questioning my religious identity. At the time, I didn’t even practice the religious rituals anymore. I’ve thrown so far away from my religious identity.
This grieving moment that I experience right now has brought me back to fix my relationship with God. At first, i didn’t know how to do that. Sometimes I feel that I’m too sinful so that I’m not deserve God’s forgiveness. However, I should believe that God will accept my repentance. And then surprisingly, in that very difficult time, there is someone who lent me some books about healing and Islamic spirituality. I’m sure that it is one of the blessings from God.
The books really really taught me a lot about how to deal with life shackles. In a nutshell, the books taught me that life in this world is not designed to be perfect. As a Muslim, we shouldn’t put this worldly life as our priority because everything that exists in this world is only a test from God. We should only focus on the hereafter and worshiping God. We cannot rely ourselves completely on something or someone in this world like wealth, popularity, achievement, career, spouse, and even parents or family. We should only rely ourselves completely on God.
“We must also realize that nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. Just like the pain of being burned is what warns us to remove our hand from the fire, emotional pain warns us that we need to make an internal change. We need to detach. Pain is a form of forced detachment. Like the loved one who hurts you again and again and again, the more dunya hurts us, the more we inevitably detach from it. The more we inevitably stop loving it.” — Yasmin Mogahed, Reclaim Your Heart
Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not (Al-Baqarah-216)
Do I fell Better by Trying to be More Spiritual?
Well, I don’t how to answer this actually. The trauma, the feeling of emptiness, the extreme sadness sometimes are still there with me. This has not only affected my mental, but also my physical condition. I just recovered from my sickness lately. I think my sickness is mostly affected by psychological condition. Sometimes I feel that I cannot bear it, but look, I’m still alive even though it feels really really hard.
In the midst of this hard situation, God always bestowed me a lot of blessings; heartwarming family, empowering friends/seniors/coworkers/lecturer, and other delightful kindred spirits.
I might be in the very lowest position right now and I don’t know when will it’s over. But it’s okay because life is just a test. I just need to be strong and patience or in Islam we name it “sabr”. I think most of us know sabr as a passive action, but actually sabr is an active action. Being sabr doesn’t mean that you just wait and don’t do anything. Being sabr means you keep trying yourselves to be stronger by establishing a better relationship with the Creator and constantly trying to develop yourselves to be a better person for God, for yourselves, for your family, for the earth, and for the ummah (society).
